Last week Wednesday, the day of the pre-trial, I came home emotionally exhausted — but oddly clear. I’d done everything I could to prepare. I was proud of myself. I wanted to process, but I also needed to pause — so I curled up and watched an episode of New Amsterdam (Season 3, Episode 12). (Vegetation as a trauma response and coping mechanism).
What I didn’t expect was that it would become a mirror. A portal. A soft, spiritual intervention.
There was one moment — two mothers speaking about their son — that stirred something ancient inside of me:
Being positive all the time might look healthy, but if there’s no healing underneath, you’re smiling while slowly crumbling.
It reminded me of who I used to be — and how far I’ve come.
When “Being Strong” as a Trauma Response Becomes Emotional Bypassing
Positivity is a core part of me. Even when I was first diagnosed with mitral valve prolapse, I didn’t panic. I chose calm, clarity, and faith. And that response came from a real place. But what I’m learning now is that…
Positivity without emotional truth is a beautifully decorated cage.
For years, I’ve been holding it all together with a smile. But smiles don’t build safety. They just keep the collapse hidden.
The 2am Wake-Up Call: When the Body Screams Truth
That same week, I woke up choking.
A literal sense of being strangled in my sleep. My whole body felt under threat. It was my nervous system replaying all the times I had silenced myself, stayed small, downplayed real pain.
I started looking at my past through the eyes of the woman I am now — not the girl who needed to survive. And suddenly… it all looked different.
The mat I finally picked up? Overflowing with everything I’d swept under.
Downplaying Isn’t Noble — It’s Self-Abandonment
I used to think letting things go was mature. That not making a fuss was graceful.
But what I see now is that I was masking my emotions. Minimizing my truth.
I kept things “light” so others wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. I made pain look palatable. I carried betrayal with a smile.
But I’ve stopped doing that.
It is what it is. And I’m allowed to name it.
The Shears Scene: Following the Nudge Saves Lives
In that episode, Floyd follows an unexplainable nudge and ends up saving lives. That moment hit me deeply. Because I’ve been living like that lately.
Following signs. Trusting intuition. Saying yes to the quiet knowing even when it doesn’t make sense yet.
That’s how I built Fenix Vida.
It’s how I’m planning our Worldschooling trip.
It’s how I’m moving through this divorce with grace and grit.
I’m no longer waiting for permission. I’m following divine guidance.
The Beach, the Rest, and the Next Layer of Clarity
A few days later, I went on a family holiday to the beach.
But even there, I had work to finish — finalizing all my documents for the upcoming trial. It wasn’t until two days before we had to head back that I truly started to rest.
And in that rest? God spoke.
He always does, when I’m still.
When I stop pushing.
When I stop solving.
We left the beach and headed straight to our kids’ church event — and that sense of emotional whiplash stayed with me. So today, I took the day off. I gave myself permission to do nothing. I vegetated. And once again, I turned to New Amsterdam.
Season 4, Episode 2: A Whole New Message
Today’s episode offered a different kind of reflection — one I didn’t know I needed.
Follow your joy. Take the leap. Walk toward what makes you come alive.
Joy, for me, isn’t about thrill or adrenaline. It’s connectedness.
To my daughters. To nature. To spirit. To myself.
To living outside the matrix and creating a wholesome life.
But the truth is… it feels far away sometimes.
There are so many moving pieces. So many responsibilities.
And so many whispers telling me, “You need to take control again.”
But I’ve worked so hard to learn how to let go.
Walk toward what makes you come alive.
I’m feeling very very conflicted at the moment… I see big shifts coming…
Business, Burnout, and the Belief in the Impossible
Before we left for the beach, a potential investor showed interest in my cancer support program. I did the work. They were excited. But their budget only allows them to commit in June or July.
I can’t wait that long.
So I started a crowdfunding campaign. (Support the Campaign here)
I asked for help. I stepped out in faith.
Then someone told me my energy felt like “victim mentality.”
It shook me.
Because I don’t feel like a victim.
I’ve been through too much. I’ve rebuilt too often. I’m here. Still standing. Still rising.
I am not a victim. I am a survivor. A warrior.
But I sat with it. And the truth I found?
It’s not wrong to ask for help. It’s wrong to believe that doing it alone makes you stronger.
I don’t want to burn out again. I can’t pour from an empty cup. And I know — I know — that God will send the help I need.
Because this purpose?
It’s not just mine. It’s divine.
Healing Isn’t Polite. It’s Raw, Honest, and Holy.
So today, I’m still. I’m listening. I’m receiving.
Because healing doesn’t always happen in the hustle. Sometimes in moment of grace. Randomly
And when it does, it doesn’t ask you to be polite.
It asks you to be authentic. To be real.
And real, for me, means naming the pain, trusting the signs, asking for help, and following joy — even when it feels like a risk.
The reality is a lot deeper than what I am able to share in one blog post… I’m feeling very very conflicted at the moment… I see big shifts coming…
Because the life I’m building isn’t about survival anymore.
It’s about freedom.
Self-trust.
Wholeness.
Legacy.
And most importantly joy.
#KreativeKim #DearDiary #HealingJourney #EmotionalTruth #DivorceRecovery #FollowYourJoy #NewAmsterdam #Reflections #SpiritualHealing #NervousSystemHealing #StopDownplaying #LetGoAndReceive #WholesomeLiving #HealingIsMessy #FaithAndFreedom
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Great message. I love your honesty and vulnerability. We all need help and that doesn’t make any one of us is weak. Admitting you cant do something alone makes you strong. Thank you Kim.
Thank you for seeing that. 🤍 I used to believe strength meant doing it all alone — but I’m learning that real strength is allowing ourselves to be held, too. We’re not meant to carry everything on our own. There’s so much power in community, in asking, in receiving. I’m honoured this message landed with you.
Thank you for sharing your honesty and vulnerability kim. You are such a brave woman!
Thank you so much 🧡 It’s taken me a long time to realise that vulnerability is strength. I’m just trying to live more honestly — not only for me, but to model something different for my daughters. If it resonates or helps even one person feel less alone, then it’s worth every word I shared.