A Sudden Wave
I found myself feeling… lonely.
Not in the “I have no one” kind of way, because I do. There are people I could call, places I could go, connections I could make. But there’s been this deep, hollow kind of emptiness in my stomach—a wave of sadness that quietly settled in.
And I could’ve distracted myself. Gone out. Reached out. Surrounded myself with voices and energy. But instead, I chose to sit in it. To really feel it. To just be in this space that feels so vulnerable and still.
Because I’ve come to learn something about this kind of loneliness: it can follow you even when you’re with people. It’s not about being alone. I actually love being on my own. I have hobbies I enjoy. I can rest, relax, watch something light, take a nap, fill my own cup—and often, that’s enough.
But this time, it wasn’t.
This is one of those raw, unfiltered diary-style entries that isn’t “tidied up” too much—because the power is in the vulnerability and confusion. I felt I had to share immediately.
The images in this post are different versions of me… all of them experienced emotional abuse and they all now are fragments of me that Im sorting through trying to find the real me. A journey of finding myself through the layers…
The Shift
I had spent the day and night with my cousin. A spur-of-the-moment catch-up that turned into a sleepover. We connected deeply, laughed, chilled, just were in each other’s presence. It was beautiful—soul-soothing, even.
But before we left the house to drop her off, I saw a few social media statuses I wasn’t expecting to see. I don’t normally check them, and I had set up boundaries to avoid that kind of thing. But somehow, I stumbled across them. I know they were meant to provoke me. And they did. But not in the way they used to. This time, they cracked open a deeper reflection. Something in me shifted.
An old pattern resurfacing. A passive-aggressive post I know was about me. A subtle dig that made me check myself, question myself, doubt myself. Am I being ungrateful? Am I the problem?
But no—I’m not. That’s the residue of manipulation. The internalized gaslighting that sticks, even after you remove yourself from the toxic situation.
SOMETHING IN ME SHIFTED
I labelled the feeling as loneliness.
When It Hit
As soon as I dropped her off, this wave rolled in. When I returned home, the silence wrapped around me in a way that felt eerie. Not peaceful. Not grounding. Just… empty. I thought about calling someone. But I didn’t feel like that either. And I couldn’t tell if I was pulling away out of self-care or self-protection.
And I couldn’t quite place what I was feeling at first. But then the sadness settled into my body.
I labelled the feeling as loneliness.
I didn’t spiral. But I did get quiet. I pulled inward. And I started reflecting. Then self-checking. Then doubt. And I slowly realised—that’s where it started. That moment. That trigger.
The Echo of the Past
I’ve been told that what I’ve experienced, both growing up and in later years, fits the patterns of emotional abuse—people with really strong narcissistic traits. I don’t always know how to define it for myself, but I know how it feels in my body. The way it makes you question your instincts. Doubt your worth. Feel like you have to shape-shift in every room just to be accepted.
It’s the constant self-questioning. The confusion. The subtle guilt.
The habit of checking myself: Am I being too much? Too dramatic? Too sensitive?
It’s that familiar feeling that you’re never really allowed to just be you.
Because being you meant not being enough—or being too much—or being misunderstood.
Growing up, there was always some kind of doubt cast over my abilities. Even when I did well, I wasn’t sure it was good enough. That planted something deep in me: the seed of not quite trusting myself. Not quite feeling capable. When I had big achievements, it was never recognised – other things were just criticised. I never felt supported. Always felt I needed to do more or be even better.
I had some errands to tick off my list… but then I procrastinated again – my coping mechanism. Doubting myself again. (This is why I’m so grateful for my friends who positioned themselves as accountability partners.)
I felt myself wondering: Do people really know me?
When I show up in spaces, am I being my true self—or just the version I think they’ll accept?
A little voice inside still whispers, Who do you think you are?
That voice was loud today.
Imposter syndrome is real.
And even though I’m doing the work now, even though I’m finding myself again and reclaiming my voice, I still sometimes feel like… nothing. Like I’m floating between past roles and future hopes, and I don’t quite know where I land yet.
I crave connection, but I also crave solitude.
I want to be seen, but I also want to hide.
It’s confusing.
It’s all normal though, I know. These are all normal human emotions.
A Chat With AI (Yes, Really)
So instead of running from it, I chose to sit with it. And in my quiet moment, I asked an AI bot a few questions.
(It took me a long time to get into it initially, but now I’ve embraced AI—using it responsibly so my neurons are still firing and keeping my brain alive.)
I was just trying to understand myself a little better. I explained how I’d been feeling, what triggered it, and how familiar this emotional state felt in my body.
And this was the reflection I received:
What I’m experiencing could very well be an emotional flashback—a deep, body-level memory of what it felt like to be dismissed, rejected, criticized, manipulated… even if the situation around you doesn’t seem dramatic on the surface. Sometimes there’s no clear event. Sometimes it’s just a sentence. A tone. A post. A memory. And my nervous system remembers, even before my mind can process it.
The moment I saw that status, my body reacted.
The sadness, the self-doubt, the urge to isolate—they weren’t just random.
They were my nervous system sounding the alarm.
Reading that made me emotional. It hit somewhere deep.
Because that’s exactly what happened.
Now that I’m more aware of the manipulation and gaslighting, I’m seeing how often I was conditioned to question myself. That self-doubt wasn’t mine—it was planted.
And uprooting it takes time.
What I’m Learning
This reminded me: even though I’ve made so much progress—even though I see myself more clearly now—there are still tender parts of me healing. That these moments of stillness, confusion, or sadness aren’t regressions—they’re openings. Still pieces of me learning how to feel safe in my own body. In my own truth. In my own presence.
I got some recommendations on how I could find answers to my other deeper questions:
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By doing exactly what I’m doing: sitting with it instead of escaping it.
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Journaling. Getting it out (just like I did here).
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Recognizing that just because I feel lonely or lost doesn’t mean I am lonely or lost.
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Reminding myself that this space isn’t permanent. It’s transitional. It’s fertile. Things grow in silence.
Letting It Be
So I’m not rushing out of this feeling. Not trying to fix it. Not trying to move past it.
Just letting it be.
Because I think this is where the real healing happens—in the stillness, in the confusion, in the choosing to stay instead of escape.
I’m letting it move through me. Gently. Slowly. With love.
Because I’m learning that this is part of the journey, too—the quiet, messy, uncertain parts.
The days where I feel a little lost or disconnected.
The moments where I’m reminded that healing is not linear, and growth sometimes feels like grief.
That wanting to be seen by others is beautiful—
but seeing myself is essential.
This blog post may feel a little messy. A little raw. A little uncertain. But so am I.
And I think that’s okay. I think maybe, this is the part of me that’s just being absolutely honest.
Maybe you’ve felt this too. That strange quiet ache. That inner questioning. That push-pull between wanting closeness and needing distance. That urge to run from yourself—but also a knowing that the answers live in you, not away from you.
If you have, I see you.
Because today,
I saw me.
#KreativeKim #DearDiary #EmotionalHealing #InnerWork #LonelinessIsNotWeakness #SitWithIt #TraumaRecovery #ImposterSyndrome #SlowHealing #GentleGrowth #EmotionalFlashbacks #StillnessIsSacred #HealingJourney
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That was absolutely awesome.It was like you were speaking right to my soul. I know that kind of loneliness, too. But I also think it helps us GROW STRONGER inside when we ALLOW it to process naturally. Thank you for sharing such vulnerable parts of yourself.😘😘😘
Thank you so much for your words. That kind of loneliness has a way of cracking us open… but in that space, we find truth, strength, and a deeper connection to ourselves. You’re so right—it’s in allowing the process that real transformation happens. Keep showing up for your heart. There’s so much power in that. We’re not alone in this—ever