After the pre-trial yesterday, my nervous system was officially fried. I did what any responsible adult would do in a moment of emotional burnout…

I vegetated.

And not just any kind of vegetating—high-level, multitasking vegetating.
Alternating medical drama episodes from two different series.
(Which is ironic because a single season can take me literal months to finish, lol.)

But as the fictional doctors saved fictional lives with impossible surgeries and last-minute miracles… I remembered one of my real-life medical drama experiences…. when I cheated heart surgery.

And just like that, I was back in 2017.

So on 2 October 2017, I found myself in a doctor’s office—unusual for me.
I don’t do doctors. But the tingling had me shook.

She examined me thoroughly. We did scans. We checked vitals.

Then she looked at me and said the thing I didn’t expect:

“This isn’t your heart. This is anxiety. It’s the stress. The tightness in your neck, your shoulders, the clenching in your jaw—it’s all related. Your nervous system is under siege.”

She wasn’t wrong. I had been coping, sure…
But according to her, I was “coping too well.”

“Your body is crying out,” she told me. “You need to break down. You need to stop being so busy and allow yourself to actually feel.”

She gave me a 6-month course of homeopathic meds—natural remedies flirting with the edge of antidepressants.
And I knew… deep down… she was right.

I had been surviving on adrenaline. I was suppressing everything.
I was so conditioned to believe that that is what I needed to be doing.
(This healing is still a process I’m unravelling now—there are no magic wands in healing.)

January 2018: A Prognosis I Wasn’t Ready For

By now, I’d managed to distract myself with every possible task.
But my cardiac check-up at the end of January 2018 gave me a harsh reality check.

The scans came back.
Mitral valve prolapse.
Worsening.
They were seeing signs of strain, and the conclusion?

“You’re going to need heart surgery. Sooner rather than later.”

They prescribed Warfarin for 30 days and told me we’d reconvene to schedule the op.

I walked out of that appointment feeling… nothing.

Numb.

I was in the middle of ending a marriage.
I had always dreamed of having another child.
And now they were telling me my heart was failing?

And if they do the operation and they can’t repair the valve but need to replace it, then I couldn’t have a baby because of the lifelong meds I would be on.

I started the Warfarin… for five days.

And then something in me said:

No.

This didn’t feel right. I needed to dig deeper—not just into my health, but into the root of the stress that was eating away at me.

Faith Over Fear: A Radical Redirection

I flipped the script.
I turned inward.
I turned upward.

I leaned into church.
I started researching the mind-body connection—how trauma and stress manifest physically.
I prayed. I cried. I journaled. I fasted.

And then, I did something bold:
I put my hand up at church and said, “God, I give you my heart.”

It was a phenomenal moment—pure surrender. Divine intervention.

March 2018: The Doctors Couldn’t Explain It

Back at the hospital. Another scan. Another check-up.

Only this time, the story had changed.

Improvement.

They were happy. Hopeful.

They said we’d continue the meds and monitor again.

That’s when I told them:

“I didn’t take the meds.”

Silence.

They were completely taken aback. They couldn’t understand it.
But I could.

I told them, “I got to the root of the problem: the stress. I’m handling things differently now. I’m choosing peace, prayer, and trust.”

Alternative Recovery.

A Baby, A Reconciliation, and a Not-So-Little Miracle

Around this time, we began talking about reconciliation.
He finally agreed to marriage counselling—something I’d been asking for for months.

We enrolled in the Hillsong Marriage Course and it honestly changed everything.

My daughter and I moved back home.

I had always wanted a second child six years apart from my first—
(based on a deeply flawed sibling theory that turned out to be hilarious in hindsight.
I thought more space = less fighting. HaHa. Cute theory.)

And so, I asked God (again—I asked for my first too).
We fell pregnant in May.

The Return of the Suspense (And Big Babies)

September 2018, another cardiac consult:

• Operation likely to happen 6 months postpartum.

• It would be non-invasive.

• We’d aim for a natural birth—to avoid back-to-back surgeries.

But… if the baby was big again (and my first had been 4kgs)…
a C-section might be inevitable.

January 7, 2019 – At 37 weeks, baby was 3.8kgs already 😅

They scheduled the Caesar 10 days later.
She was born at 4.2kgs.
(Lol. Can you even imagine if we’d gone full term? 🤪)

And If You’re In a Spiral Right Now…

This is your invitation.

Your body might be crying out not because it’s broken, but because it’s begging you to listen.

If you’re panicking, aching, breaking, or barely holding it together—pause.

Breathe.

Let yourself feel.

Ask for help—physically and spiritually.

And then remember…

Healing isn’t always loud.
Sometimes it’s quiet.
Sometimes it’s not a miracle in a hospital.
Sometimes it’s you, a bed, two medical dramas, and a God who won’t let go.

#KreativeKim #DearDiary #FaithAndHealing #MindBodyConnection #HeartHealingJourney #NervousSystemReset #ChristianWellness #BodyKnowsBest #AnxietyRelief #SelfHealingPower #TraumaRecovery #SpiritualSurrender